she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
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When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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