This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
