I didn't shave. On purpose
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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