So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
So here I am, sexting at work.
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