did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
