i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
