So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
