i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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