Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
