it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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