just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
