I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
