i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
