I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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