She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
