I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
