she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
