Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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