Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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