Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I AM VODKA MAN
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
