i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
