Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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