remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
