I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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