I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Small penises have feelings too.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
