Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
