I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
