So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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