Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
