my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
