you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
