I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
