you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
