if i can run in heels then i can drive
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
