Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Randomize
