could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
FUCK WHALES
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
