I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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