1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
