so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
i think my cat just said my name.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
