I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
