you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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