every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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