My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Congratulations! We have a period
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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