I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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