Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
