The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
