I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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