I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
