The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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