hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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