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I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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