i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
