God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
