Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You took a bar mat shot.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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