K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.