The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF