i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
