I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
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I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
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There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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